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wow. my heart chakra or some crazy shifts must be happening. This girl i kinda had a connection with....well this was the last night we were together and it was great and everything....she broke down some walls i had up and i fell for her a bit but i knew that we probably wouldnt end up together and she had a kid....guess i fell for her slightly more than a bit but i had been distancing myself a bit and we talked in healthy ways how we were going to move on as she moves to a different state, i prayed for her and stuff, we kissed, had our last hugs...
I got out of my car and went one more time to hug her...just one more time to feel her touch. Anyways as i was leaving i cried so hard and actually kinda screamed....hadnt even really cried in years but this was like a 5yr old.....it was crazy guess this matrix work is doing something..i am in such a weird and foreign place in my life. I know rationally like hey this is healthy....she is continuing her education....getting away from abusive parents(who hit her) and even though i am probably the only guy that has been thoughtful and didnt manipulate her or ever bring her down she will be ok. I prayed for her when before i left. That things would work out for her, that God would protect her and bring positive influences into her life, that never again would she revert to feelings of worthlessness or peers that may bring her down or manipulate her. I think i added something to her life. Anyways, when i left the second..final time after that hug i cried so hard like a 5 yr old that saw his dog get run over or something. I know everything will be fine and great! Fact. I know this is best for her and im ok with life moving on. it is just weird...havent felt this emotion in years. I started thinking about all the meanings of the difficult relationships ive been through, the turmoil, pouring out my love and feeling connections, and also my personal struggles. I had a dream, or several about how my superhero ability is to "hold on" as i dangled by my arms, chinup position on the side of a cliff face in my dream. Im ready for that superpower not to be needed anymore......to be on flat ground, to understand just something.....maybe a fact of life or who i am? Maybe to have a job that i like or be in a place that feels like home. Feel pretty damn displaced. I dont know why im sharing so much detail but it helps to get it out.
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